Loverly Cassie Speaks.

Well now...

I’ve applied for film skewl & it feels great! nothing lyk the feeling that I got talking to ppl there abt what I love…MOVIES! To know that I’ll be doing that everyday brings me utter joy!

Then I came home. I was actually excited to tell my mom abt it, but then she started asking me questions as if I didn’t know wtf I was doing. I kinda knew she would, but I hoped & prayed she wouldn’t. I kept my kewl & answered the questions, but it was evident that I was annoyed. I had to tell her abt the $75 application fee. Apparently the $100 I was getting for Christmas is now $25. Then I wanted a bottle of wine, so then it became $18. Merry Christmas ur going to film skewl & drinking wine. That annoyed me a bit too I admit, but I’m keeping my mouth shut & counting my blessings. She still kinda felt that i was annoyed, but honestly I was just mad cuz I was hungry & everything healthy I asked her to buy for the house was disregarded, yet when I’m in my pj’s she finds it perfectly find how I need to loose *pinches my stomach* “all of this”.

Thank God for yoga & centering my chi!

Back to happi news. I’ve got wine & I’m going to NHI tonight! I also will be starting skewl Jan 4th 2010. I’ve gotta fill out all my fin aid info by tomorrow so I can get it all done. The package comes with a laptop which explains why tuition is $40,000! It’s gonna be sooooooo worth it. 18 months of pure passion & this is just the beginning. I’ll even have to time work. giving that I’ll find a damn job.

But I digress. Loving my life and all it’s madness & I’m just glad I get to write it all out when things frustrate me & I can’t seem to talk to this lady. Thanks for reading. ~Kiss Kiss

As Written Last nyte starting @ 1am for abt an hr...

I feel lyk when I’m asked what I want in life my answer won’t be
good enuff for anybody so I make one up. I say ”I want to finish my
degree in Communications & then go to film skewl.” The only truth in that sentence is film skewl. The only time I feel utter happiness is when I write from my heart. No matter if it’s fact, or fiction I only feel safe & at ease when I’m writing. Everything else feels forced.

Sure I have fun with my friends when we’re out, but that’s usually only when I have money cuz honestly if I don’t I’m more self-conscious lyk I don’t deserve to have fun. I’m hard on myself bcuz my mom is hard on me. She tells me all the time I need to contribute to the household & do something that makes me happi. That sounds lyk an oxymoron to me.

If I get a job I doubt I’ll lyk it, but it I do then I’ll be blessed to have it. Thing is right now I’m rolling on the bus which isn’t a problem to a hustla, but I’ve neva been the type to huslte. I do when need be I guess & right now I need be, but I’ve honestly neva had a hustla’s mentality. Some ppl think that’s weak & a hustla is the ultimate thing to be no matter what ur hustle is, but damn just cuz I’m not a hustla I’m all of a sudden not ”kewl” or ”as motivated” as the other person cuz they’ll do whatever to get what they want & I have restrictions? I guess if that’s the ”cross” I must bear then so it shall be. I’m not saying I won’t take the bus to work if need be just stating that too much goes on @ nyte for me to be hoping on there after work tryna get home. I don’t lyk owing ppl anything so asking for a ride everyday can get expensive + I know my mother. She’s not I repeat NOT comin if she doesn’t feel lyk it.

Another clause is my skewl schedule. It differs per semester & although I can make it work I must factor in HW. I can work that too, but honestly in order to work retail u have to have a flexible schedule & my skewl hrs just may be what’s holding ppl back from hiring me.

Now let’s talk abt the elephant in the room, my teeth. They’re not as bad as some others I’ve seen, but they’re damn sure not str8. My family & friends LOVE ME! They appreciate the person I am & the woman I’ve become, but when it comes to an interview, espesh at a retail store, it’s all abt image. Avenue hired me cuz of my grandma & Wal-Mart cuz #1 they didn’t care & #2 my cousin’s recommendation. All these other places have denied me. Part of me says their loss, but another part says is it bcuz of my teeth. I’m, for the most part, in good spirits on interviews. This means I smile. I try to keep it closed mouth, but if it’s funny I’m laughing. Also when I talk I have an overbite so it’s tough for my teeth not to show. My mom says I should practice talking in the mirror so I know how to present myself when I’m out interviewing, but it hasn’t really helped thus far. Damn being overweight & a natural hair rockin girl I know for sure my teeth r my biggest set back. Don’t get me wrong I love myself & yes I know the cause to them being as they r now, but just lyk ppl have a gift and a curse I believe my teeth r mine. The gift is I get to truly have to rely on personality when I meet anybody & I mean ANYBODY!!! Some ppl stare & wanna just push me aside seeing the, but when they see I’m a lovely person on the inside (if I must say so myself) they’re intrigued. The curse…ummm have u seen them? Unfortunately image is a lot in LA not only on interviews for jobs, but when encountering arrogant assholes. I’ve had 2 develope tuff skin & a longer temper over the yrs. I wasn’t so nice in elementary skewl as I am now.

So why r they lyk this? My close friends know. I suck my finger. Have been since I was a baby. It was & still is my security blanket. Made me feel safe & well, secure! Whether I’m sleepy, hungry, bored, or angry sucking my finger did the trick. It’s a trip sense my mom often angers me then yells @ me to take my finger out of my mouth during or right after her yelling. It’s how I was calming down. How I relax, or take it easy. It’s how I sooth myself to sleep. U know how ppl say I eat bcuz I’m unhappi & I’m unhappi bcuz I eat. Yeah same difference here. I try not to do it everyday of my life, but it’s tuff. Espesh if I’m stuffing my emotions abt something. It’s the 1st thing I do. Smdh. It’s sad, but true. I’ve never written abt it lyk this, but the way I’m feeling tonight just feels right. I left my feelings known abt everybody else so y not abt me.

So there u have it. I’m sure the #1 question on most minds abt me AND the #1 reason, I’m sure, that retail won’t have me, or front desk for that matter. I’m working on stoppin & getting it fixed, but that’s a long process & I’m so very afraid of it all.

Now back to this skewl situation. No I don’t really want to finish. No I don’t feel lyk getting up everyday to go to a skewl or log into classes I could care less abt. No I don’t lyk anything besides my English classes bcuz she friggin awesome & English helps me with my screenwriting. Yes this is ALL TRUE. Yes I didn’t do well in my screenwriting class, but that was b4 we had the comp & I should’ve taken film 1 1st & now that I have I doubt I’ll fail. I’ve recently admitted to myself I’m doing this whole skewl thing cuz it’s the ”right” thing to do. My fam respects me for getting my degree. Most my friends r working on a degree & I feel if I don’t have one I’m not worth much, or @ least that’s how I felt. I’ve enjoyed meeting ppl & lyk I said my English teacher is THE BEST, but I was a fool 2 think that ppl would think less of me w/o a degree & for thinking less of myself. NYFA has a degree program & although the cost is pretty high to go there I KNOW FOR A FACT film classes r the only ones that excite me. My dream job is either on a set somewhere bossing a whole friggin crew around, or sitting on my ass writing a screenplay for a film raking in money being a silent biz partner or from a previous movie or book. I love my new desktop, but on the real my laptop would be MY LIFE!!! Nothing lyk a MacBook to my day. Lol.. This will come in time though. Right now I have to make a choice though.

Will I completely ditch skewl to get a job to get a new phone & MacBook & wait for my mom’s car by my bday & just start film skewl Sept of 2010 when I have some chips saved up? Sounds resonable right? Honestly it’ll totally make me happi, BUT can I live w/ what ppl will think of me (yet again) dropping the ball on a reg college degree. I shouldn’t care what ppl think, but I do. A curse I’ve beared since I was little bcuz, although I don’t think she’s realized it, that’s how my mother raised me. She’s always cared what ppl were thinkin abt her & although I’ve often rebelled against such action when it comes to certain things lyk this it’s tuff. My failure of interest in this last group project in my Speech 3 class triggered all of this. I may fail bcuz of this & I feel bad, but at the same time I could care less. I hated the topic & all it entailed & honestly I wanted to direct & when I couldn’t it irritated me. Lol… I can bend on that usually, but since so much else was wrong it was just another added problem. My mom will b upset I may fail, but not bcuz she’s paying for it (cuz she’s not), but bcuz deep down she wants me to not only get my degree, but do well so I can transfer into USC or UCLA. I used to want that too. I recently realized I wanted that for her. College to me was all abt joining the AKA’S & finding a cute football playing friend. Lol.. I loved these skewls, but I didn’t ever REALLY want to go there. Film skewls excited me, & yeah they had film skewls, but not lyk NYFA or LAFS. They were hands on & NYFA right on the lot of Universal Studios. Expensive as I don’t know what, but it still was soooo very exciting. Idk y I let her dream become what I strived for. Kelsie is much more lyk my mother. She’s always wanted to go to USC w/o a push from my mom. I think my mom felt the guilt from me & pushes Kel’s creativity to the max. It’s good for Kelsie, but she let us know when it’s all said & done she will stay on top of her game so she can get into USC right after high skewl. That was never me. I didn’t want that deep down. Movies were always my life & rarely ever factored skewl in unless I was learning abt film. How unfortunate that I must just now capture that. I should’ve always kept that in mind. I was a mommy pleaser though, or at least I tried to be. Life has kicked me in the a$$ l8ly though & reminded me only I can live my life for me. If I don’t what makes me happi then where woukd that lead me? Truthfully I don’t wanna know that answer.

So again what do I do now? Idk, but I’ll igure it out. I have one more month left in this yr & then 2010 is here to bring on a new beginning. A brand new decade for me to concur. In 5yrs I’ll b staring @ my 10yrs reunion & I wanna b able to love where I am in life. This next decision on where do I go next in life plays a big part in that. God I pray it’s the right one whichever I decide. I also pray that my family & friends support me. If not then it’ll be me & God looking toward the future. Love is love & I think I’ve FINALLY discovered true love for myself.